The X Factor: Celebrity - Episode One Overview
Random Reviews I Series 9001 of the X Factor begins as the entire nation cheer in depression. Thankfully, I have decided to save 90 minutes of your life on mine (probably regret this). So, in true modern X Factor tradition in the past few years, we go back to the past when the show was somewhat decent, even though it’s overrated. Oh, and happy birthday to Simon Cowell himself; for existing for sixty years. Whoopee. New titles and theme. Blink and you’ll miss it again. If 20th Century Fox gave even a small loan of a million dollars to the show to “copy their work but make it original” then that would be the finished result. And to continue the modern trend of title sequence of showing off the logo in various camera angles, basically you’d replace the Fox logo with X Factor and yet no-one can tell the difference. Also, when Simon said he “hated” the theme tune and described it as “one of the worst theme songs I’ve ever heard in my life”, has he been living under a rock all this time? Or maybe he left part of the 2011 theme loop on all this time and no-one bothered to correct it. It’s literally the same theme, except blander and without the sci-fi whizz at the start. Doctor Who must’ve been paying attention. Unfortunately, as I feared, the locations, America and celebrities are the main centre of attention at the beginning. And The X Factor HQ is a rejected Love Island villa? Great. Can we call the show “X Island” in the future? Speaking of which, oh what do we get? Love Island overload. Kill me now. I would mention the show, but do I really want to spend 99.9% of the review ranting about it? Yep, four wannabes form a group. No real changes there. One string of daytime adverts and Lottery results later. Sorry, three days later according to the captions. Wonder what everyone was up to during that time. A string of emotions exposed by the contestants for filler’s sake. Oh and not only are the contestants performing for the judges, but they’re also performing for the other ex-colleagues whom I’m sure will all attend Simon’s funeral when we get to it. Or maybe Pete Waterman’s which might come sooner. And most of them don’t look too bad to place in a retirement home together. Judge reveal time. No words. Except. yay. Let’s get the worst out the way, the Islanders. Kinda great that none of the four are hooked up, so there’s a chance of arguments ahead for them. Love Island montage intensifies – and is it necessary for the show to be a good influence on people? I mean seriously, most daytime shows, even the legendary This Morning are vomiting out of it. They sing about not being held back but if they were Love Islanding themselves in school and if I was their principal. Top the fact that if this was America, I’m sure we know what to do with them. Singing-wise, generic modern song, meh-singing, and a cheering sound-effect. Simon asks if there is a chance for us to see them develop. And if I was judging and they weren’t from Love Island, I’d still say no. Ear-bleeding musical Glee star comes along, and it’s nice for the show to be criticized for not making music the way the actors (sorry, singers) had expected them to be. To be honest, Kevin would suit stand-up comedy than singing despite not hearing them yet. Can we have a celebrity Got Talent next year? He sings, and it’s like being pulled apart to sing after running a marathon, and as we progress it becomes clear that is what he‘s been up to over the three days of “rehearsals”. Simon tops it all off by saying “Congratulations.” as if he’s won. It’s also notable that the un-ageable Dermot O’Leary has slowly formed into a combination of Ant and Dec in terms of screen time, encouragement and telling viewers how to be excited about the show. By downloading the app. But it would be even more suggestable to watch any parody of X Factor, because they seem to be more enjoyable than whatever amount of leftover dog’s dinner is left of it. Can we be also informed of when we go to an ad break? It’s become clear that soon enough we’ll go to an ad break within a millisecond of hearing a Love Island group sing. Cringy promo of silence follows. Next up, two “social media” stars who act like big YouTubers when to me they’re non-existent. To be fair, the backstage discussion speaks more truth on how to be a celebrity. And why are they paired of there’s a difference of two million followers? Is this a plot to make everyone a celebrity? Nice that they’ve brought their nan to Los Angeles (the new Hollywood?) in a way for Morgz to drag along his mum and her wide range of cringy acting. Bless both. Opinion of their singing: sick. But in a bland way. And they get asked another song, which in a way made my fists shake in excitement in the hope that the show still has bad singers. They sort of remind me of Jedward post-puberty and fame when they finally realise how much of a pair of dicks they’ve become. Everyone had only just realised that when they made a disappointing return to Big Brother in 2017. Does anyone even remember what happened then, apart from being runners-up? I have so many questions, and it’s only been 40 minutes as I write. Brendan and Edward introduce themselves as Brendan and Edward. Abby and Lisa would be proud since they’ve only referred to their duo as Ablisa only once. I can’t help but think that Neil Fox had been disguising himself over the past 16 years after Pop Idol. Cue repeated cheering sound effect as Strictly is mentioned. Sadly, it’s a missed opportunity for them to be on at the same time. They channel public houses across the country with their bland interpretation of a thrusting pop song of the day. When two of the most common modern pop genres. And since when was hundreds of judges, as Howie Mandel fails to entertain with his jokes. At that, Strictly’s ratings are mentioned by Simon himself as “16 million”, so be guaranteed for an ex-X-Factor contestant to appear there next year and be mentioned by the bland judge. One of four; take your pick. Martin Bashir of trashing Michael Jackson fame exists on our screens, and it’s nice to see that he has an interest in reggae so we know he’s been getting jigging with it since the age of five. Nice way of entertaining your life for over half a century, even though from his clothing he’ll end up being the next James Bond. ‘That’s not Martin Ba-shir is it?’ asks Louie with an emphasis on the two syllables. Martin reveals that he’s been “checking out” the production crew in a second attempt to falsely expose the production team of the X Factor. Cue singing, as Dermot smokes an invisible cigarette. An unusual choice of song, but at least a decent song despite never hearing of it ever. That’s the swinging sixties for you. I can’t help but notice at times in audience sweeping shots that Martin looks like Howard Brown’s brother. A missed opportunity to use him for the Halifax adverts post-2008. Anything other than making ISA ISA Baby existing. A seal of approvement from everyone, but don’t get too comfortable. We’re forced to feel sympathy for him over a sob story, which is good not to hear for a while but bad knowing what could be ahead of us. Still, have some heart for him, despite Simon suddenly changing the rules that it’s not about the singing but the person. Howie quickly corrects that yet we still feel alienated as we have been for the past fifteen years. No sign of Peter Dickson yet as a “STILL TO COME” graphic appears before our eyes. Yankee number two is next, a loveable dating app addict and incidentally daughter of David Hasselhoff of Baywatch fame. If that was all I gave about you, chances are she’s a fool. America, you know who to get for Love Island next year. I’ll stop now. Still, it’s nice for her to “try” and follow into her father’s footsteps of singing. More sad-happy songs intensify where she mistakenly referrers somebody as some buddy. Only northerners would understand. And as the applause stretches several various shots, it’s nice to see that a Dalek has been invited as seen in the background. The chase is on. A big clue for the next contestant. Good to see that Bradley Walsh has encouraged her to take part after Shaun dropped out in favour of taking part in local singing contests, all of which happened during his break on filming Doctor Who. I wonder if the mate is doing it unless he was told not to dare by his on-screen wife. Or Ryan Sinclair. As Queen appears for the second tonight after a brief encouragement of “We Will Rock You” during the ad break, Jenny asks if anyone could find her whilst Holly Jervis took herself and the cage she is trapped at and jammed it at her vocals, so great to see an interesting collab there. And finally, Peter Dickson is back! Doing his thing despite his voice being surrounded by horrible 3D visuals of Trebuchet MS fonts. Still, good to hear him again. Final part, Simon retorts Nicole for “No more sports stars babe”. Just to be clear, they’re rugby players minus the beefiness since that’s how they’re referred to. Although from the look of the three of them, it looks less like a new group and more of another boyband reunion. Take That, but with 70s shirts. Talking of which, a rather fitting song choice and some funky dance moves, so that gives me hope on the future of music. By a mere 1%. The Islanders jump and cheer in astonishment, and it’s easy to see why. Let’s also briefly talk about Howie’s T-shirt meme of his taste of creatures. I like birds. Wonderful. That’ll date this episode by a little more. Movie trailer for the following week, milking the tension once more. And I have decided to not bother with the rest of the series because I’d rather spend my life expand on a Toffa TV channel. Thanks for the inspiration Jake Yapp.